But not how you think.
I have been in group therapy for maybe a year and a half or so.
I became aware of all the different parts of myself, pulling me in all sorts of directions. More unconsciously than not. It starts with trying to define what you want and being annoyed that you just can’t get there. Like there is something blocking the way. Then you go deeper until you realise that that block is also you. That apparently the part of you that values the consequence is stronger than the part of you that values the thing you want.
To make it a bit more graphic, so you understand what I mean, I will give you a very short list of some of the many me’s inside of me:
- The me that needs mental and physical rest and relaxation
- The me that thinks that doing nothing is very lazy and very bad
- The me that has the need for attention and care
- The me that finds that having any needs at all makes me a burden to others and therefor bad
- The me that demands respect
- The me that puts everyone on a pedestal higher than me
- The me that is creative
- The me that is very untalented
- The me that thinks the world would be better off without me
- The me that wants to have an audience and hear my voice
- The me that finds any miniscule tendency towards wanting to be famous is a very bad character trait
- The me that thinks that thinking good about myself is bad
- The me that thinks that thinking bad about myself is bad
Trying to fight it out will never work. You cannot get rid of a part of yourself. So, the first step is to accept that it is indeed there. You start to define them. The part of you that want this and the part of you that wants the opposite.
The solution is always melting them together, getting them to want the same thing. But even if you can define the origin of the split, it can be very difficult to do so. Probably because you are going to fast.
Do you, as a person, care about validation? Well, all your parts too. You have to validate every single one of them. Listen to what they have to say, without judging their words and opinions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. You have to understand why they hold the perspective that they hold. You have to fully accept that these opposites can both exist inside of you. You have to accept the messy energy that this creates inside of you and all around you.
You have to accept that you see these wars of opposites all around you. That you feel it in your bones, your organs, your skin. They want to be heard, they want to be validated and they will make you feel worse and worse until you listen.
So, I created this group therapy room inside my head. A safe space where everyone is welcome, where every voice may be heard without judgment, doesn’t matter how bad their thoughts would be considered if said out loud in our society. I’m not yet ready with listening. There is still so much to be said and confessed and discovered. Even the part that does absolutely not accept all this bullshit, is welcome.
What I need now, what all of the me’s need the most right now, is to be present. I am where I am. My energy is doing the crazy stuff that it is doing, instead of going forward. That is just fine. I am here.
Every time I feel myself struggling or getting frustrated or feeling stuck, I invite all of me in my group therapy room. And I listen. Even though I might not know all the names and faces of the participants. We all speak our truth. We all listen. Even though we very fiercely do not agree with each other. We acknowledge each other’s existence. And that is more than enough for now.
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