The tittle of this blog has been sitting in my notebook for almost 3 months. Making itself at home above an empty sheet of paper and poking passive aggressively at my mind. I have felt the need to go back to paper, after writing long texts in my mind for way too long. Not having the energy to transverse thoughts to the physical. Forgetting what an enormous power the physical word has in our lives.
The truth is that the last 6 years have been so very exciting, with so much momentum and potential. Moving countries, building a house, starting a business, figuring out how to make money and experiencing a lot of financial stress.
It has left me feeling so grateful, but so, so tired. Constantly pushing my limit, improving, taking course after course and reinventing myself again and again to fit some mould in this world.
And blinded by the efforts of this journey I fell into the trap of only wanting to show perfect things. Making myself invisible to hide the mess of life. Which goes completely against what I want to stand for:
I want to show that big life changes do not happen without a million small changes. That there are days that it goes easy, but as many days that it is not. That physical changes require mental changes. I want to show realness. Because there are already enough perfect lives out there on the internet. There is not enough talk about the mental mess that accompanies chasing big dreams.
Closing the gap between the people living their dream and the ones with 'normal lives'. Showing that life can be different. Showing how that there is a path from here to there. What I can do, you can do.
Maybe in all the perfect noise out there, we need more people like me. people who do things that are not so perfect, not so original, have big dreams but limited means to get there.
Because I didn’t jump on the wagon of creating ever so many short videos, documenting everyday life in stories or even boarding the ai train. All that is making my biggest inspirations grow and thrive in their art. I’m not putting in the effort and still I feel angry about feeling invisible.
These last 6 years have been about finding myself. About finding out what it is that is important to me, what it is that really matters. What it is that my everyday must be about; and in so many ways, I did turn my life upside down and inside out.
6 years ago, I woke up a fire inside my heart. Burning with need of change, a fire raging and transforming always faster. Today that fire has burned out. Much has turned to ash and in those ashes, tiny seeds grew tiny roots in the soil of transformation.
The only way out Is through.
Today those tiny roots have grew tiny leaves. So vulnerable, so new, so young. So very impressed about the big world in which they were born.
Today, all that was fire has turned to wind. Softly blowing in my tiny little garden. Sometimes turning into a storm of doubt, afraid of the world, afraid to grow and catch hurricanes.
Today I see the enormous potential, seated in my very DNA, in the very seed that is the origin and return of my being. I’m flooded with ideas. Lists full of ideas, neatly written down in my phone. Visuals, art, colours, stories from a distant place in the universe, nature creatures and visions. Very slowly I’m learning how to communicate with my guides, 4 of them have presented themselves already. The veils between the worlds are sometimes thin and sometimes tick as castle walls.
Very slowly I’m coming more to service. The next stage after finding myself is to work with the reflections in the world. A transition I’m making ever so slowly, ever so uncomfortable. A spiral of cause and effect that will never be done. Never will be completed.
I’m learning the energy of things. I’m learning how to work those energies in the physical, how to take care of myself. Learning how it is that I can live from my work, how I can put value on what I have to offer. But how can I trust that I will be able to pay for our home, food and that I can nurture our dreams? So much uncertainty.
I do feel very small. Very young, very vulnerable. Will I trust myself to grow into the potential? Will I find nourishment from father sky and mother earth? Will I transform this in myself? What a duality to live in, so many ideas and so little energy.
As I’m writing this, apple music’s algorithms decided to throw a song at me I hadn’t heard before:
Thrust in live. Sink and you will rise. (Root down deep by Mollie Mendoza)
Bringing tears to my eyes.
So tired after the past 4 year, so tired of growing this tiny seed. I feel like the fire and passion is gone. Leaving everything but soft winds. I need the rest. I need to cocoon deep into the winter. I need to unlearn that my worth is conditional. Conditional of productivity. Of results. Of being useful. I need to learn that my presence is enough and a fair representation of another human on this planet.
I’m an artist, writer, teacher and guide. I’m a student in the school of this world.
I feel honoured to be here: I feel honoured to know all of you who I have met throughout the years. I feel honoured to continue this journey.
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